How to Have a Conversation in Japanese

I struggle to have conversations with Japanese people in Japanese. Not because of a lack of Japanese ability, but because of a lack of conversational ability.

I can converse (somewhat) with people in English, but struggle to think of what to say when having a casual conversation with Japanese people. What if I say something wrong? Or sound stupid? Am I being too familiar? Am I being too distant? What should I even say?!

This has been impacting my work so I decided to do something about it!

To get an idea of how Japanese people have casual conversations I picked up two Japanese books, 超雑談力 and 雑談力が上がる話し方. While they may contain common knowledge that people already know, hearing it from a Japanese perspective helped me recontextualize the information and apply it to my everyday life. It also helped me understand how Japanese people expect to have conversations, and I was surprised to find there are some differences.

Here is everything I learned from these books which has helped me improve my conversational skills, and maybe they’ll help you too!

General Rules of Casual Conversation

A Greeting is a Great Way to Start a Casual Conversation

One of the first points both books go over is how a greeting is a great way to start a casual conversation.

Whether you work in an office, are doing homestay, or are studying abroad, you can easily turn the basic おはようございます into a casual conversation.

おはようございます！昨日の雷がすごかったですね。
数時間でゴロゴロしていて、全然出かけませんでした。
OOさんは大丈夫でしたか？

“Good morning! The thunder yesterday was amazing.
It went on for hours, I didn’t leave the house at all.
Was everything okay with you, OO-san?”

Take something that happened recently (like the weather) and use it as a springboard to ask the other person a simple question. A general question like “what did you do last weekend?” might be okay for English speakers, but in Japanese it can come off as prying. So it’s safer to stick to general topics, or topics of conversation that have already been broached. (See below for more topic ideas.)

Casual Conversations are Like Tennis

超雑談力 really hammered it home that casual conversations are like tennis rallies, where you volley the conversation back and forth. The important thing isn’t what you say, but that you say something and keep the conversation going.

It’s okay to talk about yourself a little, but make sure you return the conversation back to the other person. Ask them about their experience or thoughts related to the topic of conversation. Do not talk at them.

Also, react to what they’re saying with aizuchi to encourage them to keep talking. (See below for more details about this Japanese conversational essential.)

Don’t Force the Conversation to Be Entertaining

You don’t need to have a particularly amazing or interesting topic of conversation. In fact, you don’t need to talk about anything in particular at all!

Small talk is exactly that, small.

Shift The Conversation, Don’t Change it Completely

If you’re struggling to continue the conversation on a particular topic, try to shift the conversation to a related topic instead of changing the conversation completely. Jumping to a completely different topic can confuse the person as they’re not expecting the shift.

If you do shift the topic, even a little, it helps to set up expectations with the useful phrase 別件ですが（べっけんですが） or 別な話ですが（べつなはなしですが）, both of which mean “changing topics, but…”

There are lots of conjunctions and useful phrases you can add to the start of a sentence or paragraph to signal to your partner what you’re about to talk about. I highly suggest learning about them and practicing how to use them.

You’re Not Exchanging Information, But Feelings

In casual conversations, especially in Japanese ones, it can be jarring to be given cold hard facts. Japanese people prefer softer conversations and to exchange feelings about topics.

When talking in English we often lay out all the facts of something that happened, whereas in Japanese it’s better to express how you felt about something that happened. You can also express emotions in response to what someone said to show empathy.

For example,

昨日の試合見ました？すごかったですね！
“Did you see the match yesterday? It was amazing!”

喜怒哀楽 (きどあいらく) is a four kanji compound that means “emotions” (because it’s made up of the four main human emotions, happiness, anger, sadness, joy). Try to use words which express these emotions, such as 気持ちいい (“feels good”)、しっくりくる (“sits well with me”)、困った (“it was a bother/that’s annoying”)、やめられない (“never ending”) etc.

Although remember not to be too overly emotional or use strong negative words like 嫌い (“hate”) as they might make the other person feel uncomfortable or unable to respond.

Empathize and Agree, Don’t Shut Someone Down

Both books on Japanese small talk mention multiple times the importance of empathizing and agreeing with the person you’re talking to.

You can do this with a statement of emotion such as, 大変ですね（たいへんですね）”Oh no, that’s terrible” to something negative, or すごいですね “that’s amazing!” to something positive.

Another way to express empathy is with a BIG reaction. ええ！！いいね！”Whaaat?! Nice!” Japanese television always does this a little over the top, but it’s true that it’s polite to give a big reaction to what someone is saying.

If someone says something that you don’t agree with don’t shoot them down with a negative. Avoid phrases like いいえ、違います（いいえ、ちがいます）”no, that’s wrong” or しかし．．．”but…”

Instead agree with them そうですね “that’s true” and then present an alternative view, また… “and also…”

Keep Up the Aizuchi

Aizuchi (相槌 in Japanese) are the sounds you make while someone is talking to indicate you’re listening to them.

Aizuchi can range from basic sounds like ええ “ehhh” or ん、ん “un un” or へえー “heeeh” to simple phrases like そうですね “that’s right” or なるほどです “I see“.

There’s a wide variety of aizuchi out there. I recommend this YouTube video Aizuchi: The Noises Japanese Make by Kaname Naito to get a full explanation of aizuchi and when to use which ones.

Compliments Are Good

I always feel gross when I give compliments solely for the sake of giving them, but both books can attest that they’re great ways to make someone feel good about themselves, and a sneaky way for you to strike up a conversation.

いいですね！”That’s great!”
かわいいですね！ “That’s so cute!”
かっこいいですね！ “That’s so cool!!
うまいですね！”You’re so good (at something)!”
えらいですね！”You’re so diligent (at studying something)”

Potential Conversation Topics

Meeting Someone for the First Time

When you meet someone for the first time you can begin to establish a good relationship by striking up a casual conversation. But there are some expected topics for when you first meet someone.

Two great topics to start with are 1) what kanji is used in their name, and 2) where they’re from.

Asking someone about the kanji used for their name helps you remember their name, and can also lead to interesting conversations about kanji and meaning.

Asking where someone is from どちらの出身ですか？（どちらのしゅっしんですか）”Where are you from?” can lead to conversations about their hometown’s people or food.

If they speak English try asking them どこで英語を勉強されましたか（どこでえいごをべんきょうされましたか）”Where did you study English?” And even throw in an 英語じょうずですね！”Your English is so good!” beforehand.

Basic Conversational Starters

As a general rule Japanese people don’t tend to talk about things that might lead to personal information. This is tricky because each person’s definition of personal information is different.

For example, people don’t ask each other if they have plans at the weekend or ask what people did. But you can lead with what you did or are planning to do, leaving the floor open to the other person to share what they’re doing, if they want to.

Here are some good topics you can start with,

the weather,
a restaurant you found recently,
a show or movie you watched,
a book you’re reading,
an interesting thing that happened to you the other day.

Again, if you start the conversation with your own short anecdote, you set up your expectation for the conversation. This then opens the floor for the other person to relay back as much information as they’re comfortable with sharing.

Don’t Ask About Hobbies, Ask Them What They’ve Been Into Lately

One of the fist things non-native speakers learn is hobbies. OOさんの趣味は何ですか？ “What’s your hobby OO-san?”

Despite what you’ve been taught, don’t do this! It’s a surprisingly difficult question for Japanese people to answer because they’re not sure how much they should divulge. Some people might also not have time for hobbies, or feel like what they do in their spare time isn’t worthy of being called a “hobby”.

Instead ask,

最近ハマっていること(もの)がありますか？
“Is there anything you’ve been into lately?”

This opens them up to divulge on something they enjoyed, whether that’s something big or small.

I suggest bringing this up if you’ve already had a couple of casual conversations with someone and you want to get to know them a little more.

Don’t Ask About Their Opinion, Ask What They Like

Asking for people’s opinions on a topic can be tricky because people don’t want to say the wrong thing and risk offending someone. (Which is why as a general rule it’s best to avoid such topics as the news, politics, or religion.)

Instead, ask what people liked about something.

Aさん: この間、ラーメンZに初めて行ったんですよ。
Bさん: あー、こってり系、好きなんですか？
“I recently went to RamenZ.”
“Oh! Do you like the thick kind of broth?”

Asking if someone liked something or likes something in general gives them an easy option to reply with, which you can then use to expand into a longer conversation.

Ask Them to Tell You More

If a topic of conversation comes up that you don’t know anything about, it’s better to ask the person questions about it rather than a general reply that might come off as brushing them off or lack of interest in what they’re saying.

So if someone says 沖縄に行きました “I went to Okinawa” instead of just saying ええ、そうですか？ “Oh, really?” you could add a question like どのぐらい行かれました？ “How long did you go for?” or 沖縄にどんな食事がありますか？ “What kind of food do they have in Okinawa?”

The 超雑談力 book explains that it’s fine to admit you know nothing about a topic and asking honest questions will often encourage a good response from the other speaker.

How to Talk to Japanese People

There is no concrete “right” or “wrong” way to have a casual conversation with someone. I have noticed that some topics that are common in English are difficult to broach in Japanese unless you know the other person really well (politics, science, world news, etc.)

Saying that, the above tips I listed have already helped me become more comfortable with casual conversations in Japanese. 超雑談力 and 雑談力が上がる話し方 were both written for Japanese people who struggle to have conversations, and both books contain a lot of great information.

I preferred 超雑談力 over 雑談力が上がる話し方 because it was well laid out and had more concrete examples which could be used in a variety of situations. If you’re interested in reading more then I highly recommend you pick up 超雑談力. But I hope the above compilation of tips is a good start to help you become more comfortable with casual conversations in Japanese.